


The Rhythm of Wild Hearts

by starlightsinging



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Estrangement, Injury, Injury Recovery, Living Together, M/M, Major Character Injury, Major Character(s), Marauders, Marauders' Era, Muggle London, Mutually Unrequited, POV Remus Lupin, POV Second Person, POV Sirius Black, Post-Hogwarts, Pregnant Lily Evans Potter, Regulus Black (mentioned) - Freeform, St Mungo's Hospital, Unrequited Love, Werewolf Politics, adult marauders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-03-27 15:22:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13883652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlightsinging/pseuds/starlightsinging
Summary: Times are hard for Sirius and Remus. Just getting by is difficult enough, without Regulus' disappearance and unsaid feelings being thrown into the mix as well.Began as a songfic: Like the River Runs - The Bleachers





	1. I Woke Up Thinking You Were Still Here

**Author's Note:**

> first fic in a fairly long time, I'm certain you'll be kind. I've got a sweet spot for any wolfstar and I'm sure you do too if you're reading this. any comments will be read and appreciated!

Sirius woke with a start. He stared upwards, heart pounding as he thought back on his dream. Regulus’ wide eyes, a flash of light, laughter. Stupid really, he didn’t even know how Regulus had died. Only that a disappearance for this long obviously meant the worst. But of course, what else could it be? They’d all heard he wanted out. There’s only one way to go when you can’t stomach being a Death Eater anymore. Sirius shook himself and reached out across the bed. His hands met cold, empty sheets. Remus still wasn’t home.  
He sat up and looked around. The room was empty. Of course, it should have been expected. They didn’t share a room – they weren’t that poor quite yet. Sirius had managed to keep a job over the last year, which James in particular considered a real feat when you factored in how little Sirius would usually put up with. He’d actually applied as a joke, to make the Marauder’s laugh. No-one had actually expected that Sirius could be a muggle mechanic. It seemed with wizards and witches, he was always rubbing someone up the wrong way, but the muggles he worked with didn’t care as long as he was fixing up the motorbikes that were brought in. 

Remus however, was having a bit more trouble. He’d faced a fair amount of difficulty getting any long-term employment since they left Hogwarts. Way more than he’d told Sirius about anyway. He could usually keep something down for three or four months before someone guessed or started asking probing questions about his condition. In fact, he’d gone for an interview that afternoon, but Sirius hadn’t seen him. Usually, Remus came into Sirius’ room to socialise, on the account of them having no living room. Remus would read, Sirius would distract him, they’d play card games. It was a fairly domestic routine. Remus would sometimes fall asleep on Sirius’ bed, and Sirius would pretend he’d fallen asleep too when Remus asked why Sirius never kicked him out. One time, Sirius had fallen asleep first, and in his half-waking state felt a slender hand running through his hair. But he’d unconsciously moved his head further into the soft touch, and Remus had got up and left without a word. 

Despite it, Remus had definitely slept in Sirius’ room a lot more since they’d found out about Regulus. It was common knowledge pretty quickly, as it would be in a small, underground, rebel organisation. Gossip and rumour made its way around frequently. Sirius liked having Remus there, so had decided not to mention that his grief for his brother was fairly minimal. The lack of knowing what had happened and the lack of closure was uncomfortable, but all in all, Regulus had been a true Black family member. Sirius was certain Voldemort’s golden boy would have blasted Sirius from the tapestries himself if he’d been allowed. Not that Sirius minded – he’d always rather have been off the tapestry than on it. 

He got up, heading to the kitchen. It was one o’clock in the morning, if Remus’ interview had gone badly he’d still be up. But when Sirius got to the kitchen, the light was on and no-one was in there. Sirius had a bad habit of leaving the kitchen light on when he went to bed, which Remus complained about at least once a day. If the light was on and no one was in there, it wasn’t a good sign. Sirius checked Remus’ room to make sure he wasn’t sleeping, before pulling on his shoes and heading out. There wasn’t a full moon for another week, and Remus’ interview had been at three in the afternoon. Sirius had got home at six and collapsed in his room, assuming Remus was contending with muggle traffic. In moments Sirius was out the door, securing the flat with incantations as he walked away from it. In times like these, there wasn’t a second to lose. He’d follow Lupin’s route into town before sending Patronus’ to James and Peter. There was no use worrying anyone else yet, and there was an awful feeling in Sirius’ gut about not checking to see if Remus had gotten home. His heart rose further into his throat as he walked, feet disturbing puddles and breaths stealing the silence. 

Rounding the corner, to Sirius’ instant relief, was Remus. He was quite a way down the road, at the bus stop leaning against the wall. He seemed like part of his own world, motionless and still as the night surrounding him. A worry punctured Sirius’ relief, and with that, he sped up to close the distance between them.  
  
A world where Remus Lupin seemed separate from Sirius Black was one that Sirius didn’t intend to frequent for long.


	2. Your Light It Follows Me In Darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay don't expect the next chapter to be up this quickly haha. I couldn't get the right way to do this part out of my head so wanted to get it out there. thanks for the support!

“Thanks.” Remus murmured to the driver. He stepped off the bus, staring back at the fair few of the passengers staring at him as they drove away. It was understandable really, you didn’t often see many people on the bus like that. Remus was of course, an average kind of guy. He’d gotten taller and leaner since his Hogwarts days. His light hair hadn’t started to thin yet and the only small positive of being a werewolf meant that he had more muscle than he should be gifted with. 

He wasn’t certain what difference was visible on his face, but the swelling and the warmth of the right side indicated that it was significant. He’d intended to break the cycle. Get a job, settle in, deal with questions, not get dismissed for an entirely made up reason. He was applying to everything, from the places accepting no qualifications to the places he was actually qualitied for. Of course, Remus had the best qualifications. He remembered all the ambition he’d left Hogwarts with. Thinking that if he could go to school and function normally, then he really could get anywhere. 

Fast forward to today’s interview. A shop specialising in amulets on Knockturn Ally. He hadn’t told anyone what the interview was for, even having to apply was bad enough. But as it turned out, even Knockturn wouldn’t accept werewolves in their midst. And they had much more blunt ways to show him that a werewolf looking for work was laughable.

And there was Sirius, working his arse off at a muggle mechanics shop to be able to make rent for both of them, making the trip to Gringotts every month to get the currency exchanged and never saying a word about it to Remus. He sighed, leaning his head onto the wall. He couldn’t go back and face Sirius looking like this. But where else was he going to go? James’, of course, but helping a pregnant Lily was surely challenging enough for him without Remus turning up with a face like mangled dragon meat. Peter wouldn’t say anything to anyone. But on picturing his worried face and inability to deal with the injury, Remus decided it wouldn’t be a wise move. His parents were hardly an option either; guilt ridden, kind and fairly easy to panic when they saw physical injuries. They always assumed he’d done the worst, and Remus couldn’t deal with a conversation like that right now. Which brought him back to Sirius, of course, who would know exactly what to do, be responsibility free and wouldn’t ever assume that one of his best friends had just murdered someone. But more than anything, Remus knew Sirius would quiz him on what happened, and upon finding the details would make an early morning trip to Knockturn Ally the next day. 

Remus lay his head against the wall. At least four buses had come while he was trying to decide what to do and he was no closer to a solution. He’d already gotten back later than he’d expected. There were drunk people on the streets now, screaming and jeering at each other, bottles in hand. It must be late, but he wasn’t sure how late. He knew he’d be worrying Sirius but couldn’t bring himself to move. Remus hated that even in moments like this, with every right to feel sorry for himself, he was still thinking of others. Of Sirius in particular. Which was of course, normal. They were best friends and lived together, that’s usually a key indicator of how often you think about someone. But possibly not of the way you think of them, Remus thought. That was definitely a subject to push to the back of his mind. He grimaced, and felt the pain make his face flush. It definitely wasn’t going to be insignificant. It wasn’t exactly the damage that worried Remus, it would be easily fixable he was sure, despite his knowledge gap when it came to medicinal spells. That, again, was more Sirius’ area. 

He groaned. He readied himself to start moving, but almost immediately gave up the attempt. He’d forgotten about the pains down his side from standing stationary for so long, but the small effort to move himself brought them back. He closed his eyes with the pain and let out a sigh. The cold was starting to seep into his skin more than it was helping his face to feel cool. It was probably time to go home and deal with the wrath.

“Remus?” he was imagining Sirius there now. Surely that wasn’t part of his mental agreement so stop thinking about him. But then, he felt hands rest on his shoulders. “Remus, what the fuck?”

Oh. Not imagining. This was going to take some explaining. Remus sighed, bringing his hands up to Sirius’. He smiled, and said, “I was wondering when you’d find me.”


	3. I'm Trying Hard But I Can't Win

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I warned you about the update - a masters and full-time job doesn't bless me with time. but to celebrate my hand ins I couldn't resist putting another chapter up for you. this honestly was supposed to be a three chapter fic, but I'm thinking of extending it to five now. it's definitely not the kind of thing that could be longer, but I'm really enjoying writing this. thanks for sticking with me so far, hope you enjoy! comments/kudos keep me going.

“Well here I am, I’ve found you,” Sirius’ hands moved up Remus’ neck towards his wounds, “ready to tell me what the fuck happened to you?”

“Not at all to be honest, let’s go home.” Sirius stiffened. For two seconds he didn’t move, and then he removed his hands. 

“Can you walk, are you hurt anywhere else?”

“I can walk, but I think a couple of my ribs are cracked so it’s going to take a bit longer than usual.” Remus hadn’t looked him in the eye yet. He was very calm, aside from his breathing which was explained by the cracked ribs. Sirius didn’t ask any questions. Instead he took hold of Remus’ elbow, making him flinch, and apparated them to their front door. 

“You know we really shouldn’t have –“

“Shut. Up.” Sirius was unlocking the door and trying to focus on enchantments. He distinctly heard Remus muttering something about ‘statute of secrecy’ and ‘not worth it’. Ignoring it, he unlocked the door and strode inside, flinging himself down at the table. He didn’t feel guilty about not helping Remus in until he did a particularly rattling gasp once the door was shut. 

“I knew this was a rough neighbourhood but Merlin, I never thought something this bad would happen here.”  
Remus looked blank for a moment, then turned away.

“You really should have turned the light off when you came out.” 

“The fucking light?” Sirius got up and began ripping through kitchen cabinets to find where the first aid kit had gone, “Remus you need to tell me what the hell happened.”

“Leave it, Pads.”

“Don’t you ‘Pads’ me, you won’t get out of this.” Remus sighed and walked slowly towards Sirius’ room. 

“The first aid kit’s still in here Sirius, after you broke your finger.” Sirius followed him, reaching his chest of draws first to pull the first ait kit from the debris scattered over the top of the draws. 

“Sit. Start talking.” He pulled out an ice pack and some alcohol wipes. Sirius always preferred to start with muggle methods until they’d definitely established what was wrong. Magic was so much easier to get wrong than bandages. Remus seated himself on the side of the unmade bed and watched. 

“You were asleep, how did you realise I wasn’t here? Your duvet is still warm,” Remus added when Sirius gave a questioning look. 

“Nightmare. It was nothing,” Sirius replied, stiffly. Remus hesitated.

“I wish you’d tell me about them.”

“I wish you’d tell me about the fucker who decided to pick a fight with you.” Remus stayed defiantly silent. Sirius was a little too rough when he stated using the alcohol wipes, just to get across how pissed off he was.

“So. Nose bleed, two black eyes, bust lip, possible cracked ribs –“

“ – only two –“

“ – and don’t think I didn’t feel you jump when I touched your arm, I’ll bet that’s a sprain. Anything else?” 

“I think that’s enough to be getting on with.”

“Remus. Anything else?” Sirius wasn’t ready to mess around right now. He stared into Remus’ face until his friend cracked and looked away.

“Two fingers, right hand.”

“And for some reason, unbeknownst to anyone sane,” Sirius applied the ice pack to Remus’ nose and made him hold it in place with his right hand, “you don’t want these drunk arseholes to get the punishment they deserve.” He looked at Remus, whose eyes were closed in the agony and relief of something touching his fingers. Sirius nudged Remus into lying on his back and pulled up his shirt to look at the damage to his torso. 

“At least tell me your interview went well,” Sirius tried to joke. 

“Sirius, I told you I’m not – not talking about – not…” but Remus had tried to sit up in his rush of annoyance and ended up gasping and coughing too much to finish what he was saying. 

“Fucks sake alright,” Sirius helped him lie back down and roll onto his side to help ease the coughing, “I wasn’t even talking about it I just… asked about the interview.” Two and two clicked together. The interview.

“Pads –“ 

“They did this after the interview? They followed you out?” 

“They… seemed to know before I came in, that I was a werewolf. I still don’t want to talk about it.”

“Well tough shit because I still want to. Did they even give you an interview at all?”

Remus groaned, seemingly in pain and exasperation, and reached for Sirius’ pillows to he could prop himself up while they talked. Sirius took this as a good sign and went back to examining Remus’ ribs, pausing only to grab his wand.

“They put me through the whole interview. Then they asked a lot of leading questions about it at the end, and then said they wouldn’t be needing to call me back. I didn’t get half way up the road before they came after me.”

“Why didn’t anyone say anything?”

“There were only a few people around, and once they heard what was being yelled at me they were quick to either run or egg them on.” 

Sirius drew a deep breath. Having established that one rib was broken and one cracked, he began to bind them. They’d ran out of the usual potions for this at the last full moon, and it took too long to brew more right now.

“So it was a wizarding job, and in a fairly bad neighbourhood by the sounds of things.”

“Stop, let’s not talk more about this. Not right now,” they looked at each other for a moment before Sirius nodded, “I’m going to have to go to St. Mungo’s, aren’t I?”

“Yes,” Sirius slowly helped Remus up from the bed, thinking of how the other two Marauders were going to react, “yes we are.”


	4. Hands Shaking With Regret

When Remus woke, it felt like he’d either slept for ten hours or ten minutes. The bed was very warm, but horrendously uncomfortable. He almost let out an audible groan as voices flooded over him from the end of the bed.

“ – wasn’t exactly much else I could do than bring him here was there? I was always shit at potions –“

“Yes, but _I_ was the best in our year, you absolute knob. Why didn’t you just send me a Patronus?”

“Lily, Pads probably knew the consequences of walking up a heavily pregnant woman with a very stressful situation to deal with, and also who in their right mind would wake you up before 10am?”

“Don’t you get smart with me James. They said he was freezing cold when you brought him in, Sirius, _freezing_.”

“Oh yeah I forgot that I’m the one who made sure he was outside, alone and heavily injured for seven hours, silly of me to realise you’re the only one that gives a shit –“

“Well I’m definitely the one of us that remembers I’m a witch that can do spells, one of which can warm people up! Merlin, I thought you were supposed to be good at medicinal spells.”

“Yeah once a month when I’m prepared and it’s a specific few spells, Lily. I’m not a Healer in case you hadn’t noticed.”

“Look everyone is stressed and shouting at each other isn’t going to calm anyone down.”

“Peter’s right, you two need to stop. Sirius did the best he could, and Remus’ injuries are fixable. He’s only got to be here another two nights.”

“How could you let him go to a dodgy interview?”

“He didn’t tell me where he was going! I’m not his bloody keeper Lily, he keeps secrets from me whether I want him to or not.”

At this, Remus had the grace to feel marginally guilty. Especially as Remus was the last person he wanted to keep secrets from. His friends who had always put everything on the line for him were worried sick. And he couldn’t even bring himself to not pretend to be asleep.

“Sirius has stuff going on himself you know…”

“James, shut up. It’s nothing to do with Regulus.”

They all paused for a moment there. Remus imagined Lily was feeling a bit of guilt herself. But then –

“So, have you heard anything else about that Sirius?” the room collectively groaned and cursed in response.

“Peter,” James muttered, “read the fucking room.”

At this a door banged open, startling even Remus out of his fake sleep in an attempt to reach his wand. His heart monitor had began beeping at a mile a minute in response.

“ – there was no reason to close down a whole bloody ward, he’s not a werewolf right now is he?” Mad Eye’s loud growl carried across the ward. Once the group realised there was no danger, they turned to Remus.

“Did we wake you?” Peter asked, nervously.

“No,” Remus sighed, “Mad Eye could probably improve his bedside manner though.” The monitor was still beeping. Remus found it incredibly frustrating that the whole room had to hear how jumpy he was right now.

Sirius and Lily were standing on opposite sides of the bed, where they had clearly been glowering at each other moments before. Mad Eye was still throwing accusations at the nurse when what he said sunk in. He walked over, gave Remus a look to establish he wasn’t going to drop down dead, and walked out again, the frightened nurse hurrying after him. Through the glass window, it seemed like Mad Eye had used the words ‘sue’ and ‘discrimination’ very liberally.  
Looking around the room, Remus lightly remarked, “chipped in for a private ward for me, did you?” There were seven other empty beds in the room, which felt a very obvious sign of the hospital realising his werewolf status.

“They wanted to section you off to your own private floor, but we thought your head would get too big. Only the best for you, Moony!” James said, brightly. Sirius growled in response, turning and running his hand through his hair.

“How’re you feeling?” Lily had edged closer to him. Thankfully Remus’ heart monitor was beginning to act normally again, so he felt a bit safer in assuring her he was fine.

“Can’t even feel the sprain anymore, and everything else feels better than last night. I assume I’ve got my incredibly attractive face back as well so there’s no qualms from me.”

“Did you realise they’d shattered part of your eye socket as well?” Sirius demanded, not turning around.

“The more you know.” Remus muttered. At this, Mad Eye re-entered the room.

“Sorry I startled you. Get out everyone, I need to speak to Lupin,” everyone started filing out of the door, Lily squeezing Remus’ hand before she left. Sirius didn’t move. “Are you deaf, Sirius?” Sirius glowered at Mad Eye for a moment, but soon realised it was a fight he wasn’t winning.

“I’ll be outside.” He didn’t even look at Remus before shutting the door hard behind him. _Oh yeah, it’s my fault my whole life is an appealing punch bag_ , Remus thought.

“Stop looking like that. They’re worried about you is all.”

“I’m fine though, fairly obviously.” Remus didn’t like the look Mad Eye was responding with. It was clearly one that was telling Remus he was an idiot.

“Yeah but you go missing for five or six hours after no-one knows where you were going, in a time like this. People have a right to panic Remus. There’s muggles and wizards alike dying in huge numbers. What would you be feeling if it was one of them?” He jerked his head towards the door.

Remus pictured coming home to an empty flat, stewing in it for hours, looking for Sirius and not finding him. Or worse: finding him dead. It wasn’t something he’d never thought of before. As Mad Eye had pointed out, these were dark times. Remus could feel how soft Sirius’ hair was every time he pictured his corpse.

“And Sirius wouldn’t forgive himself if something happened to you.” Remus’ head jerked up at that.

“Why? What do you mean?”

Mad Eye looked at him curiously. “Because you live together, and he’s a self-sacrificing idiot.”

“Oh. Yeah,” Remus sighed. _Try not to look too bloody keen_ will _you?_ He let himself relax again, avoiding Mad Eye’s gaze. When had he become such a mess? “I honestly wonder whether I do the Order any good in times like these.”

“Don’t be stupid,” Mad Eye growled, “Dumbledore gets valuable information from you and we need all of the bodies we can get.”

“Yeah but,” Remus paused, briefly biting his lip while he thought of how to phrase his feelings, “everyone would get on easier without having to worry about a werewolf. I’m a huge burden.”

“Burden? Get over yourself, Remus. You’ve got friends out there ready to die for you, not because they think you’re hopeless but because that’s what friends do. And they damn well think you’d do the same for them.”

“I would!”

“Then shut up! Burden,” Mad Eye shook his head and stood up, “better not let Sirius here you say that. Between you and Regulus he’s worried enough. His brother and his… well, you.” He gave Remus a piercing look. Not the kind that he so often felt from Dumbledore, it was more like Made Eye wanted to pick your brain up and shake it because you weren’t seeing what he wanted you to.

“This was nothing to do with Voldemort, right?”

“Right.”

“Then get better soon, I’ll tell Dumbledore you’re out of action for a bit.” With that, he left the room as gracefully as he entered, with banging doors and coughing. _What did he mean? “His…well, you”._ There was no way Mad Eye Moody, of all people, was hinting about… that. Remus groaned and pulled the covers over his head.


	5. It Beats, Been Beating Since You've Gone

James had eloquently convinced Lily and Peter to “go get Remus some flowers or grapes, whatever you give sick people. Or I don’t know, go get coffee. Preferably somewhere with a long queue”.

Sirius sat through Lily’s protests, looking at the floor throughout. Eventually, she gave in. Before she left, she walked over to Sirius and pulled his chin up, so he was looking at her very serious face.

“Two weeks.”

“What?”

“I’m having this baby in two weeks.”

“Congratulations?”

“Once he’s out of me I’m free to slap you properly, without James deciding I’m hormonal.” James looked appropriately affronted.

“Two weeks.” Lily warned again, giving Sirius’ face a playful shove. Then she left with Peter, who looked very much like he was taking one for the team.

Sirius gave a long exhale and shook his head. James laughed and flung himself into the seat next to him.

“You okay Sirius?” Sirius had put his head into his hands. He muffled a reply that James was clearly not intended to hear. Unceremoniously pulling one of Sirius’ arms from under him, James asked, “sorry I didn’t quite get that. It’s _almost_ like you don’t want to talk to me about your feelings.”

After getting his arm back, Sirius lounged over the chair in exhaustion.

“He scared the fuck out of me.”

“Yeah, I get that, but he’s here now.”

He knew that, of course. Sirius was well aware his current behaviour was a little irrational, but he couldn’t help it.

“Anything could have happened, James.”

“Of course it could, he’s a werewolf. We picked a best friend who is permanently in danger, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

“Being a werewolf doesn’t matter in this scenario,” Sirius replied. _Or in any scenario_. The thought of his parents seeing him now. They’d been horrified enough to find out Remus was werewolf, but if they knew he was living with a werewolf. Well, Sirius supposed they couldn’t get angrier than pretending he was dead, unless they actually sent someone to do the job. To him or Remus. The idea sickened him.

“It’s the potential of it. The idea of him just running off, pushed into any kind of danger…” _because he doesn’t trust me to tell me about it_ , Sirius finished internally.

“It’s not like he ran into danger though is it?” James demanded, lightly shoving Sirius’ shoulder, “he’s the smartest out of the lot of us. Well, him and Lily. He knows what he’s doing.”

“It just stresses me the fuck out. He thinks the whole world is on his shoulders and he doesn’t talk to m – to anyone about it.” Sirius pulled on his hair.

“It reminds you of Regulus?” James said, quietly. Sirius groaned.

“Well it bloody well does now, cheers for that Prongs.” Between the two of them, Sirius had little else he was thinking about. Remus and Regulus. The two most reckless pricks he knew right now. Or had known, in Regulus’ case.

“You haven’t heard – “Mad Eye’s emergence from the room interrupted them. He looked between them for a minute and then said to Sirius:

“Your boyfriend is an idiot.”

“I don’t have a boyfriend,” Sirius raised his eyebrows at Mad Eye. He adapted a cool expression which hopefully suggested that there weren’t alarms ringing in his head right now. “You couldn’t possibly be talking about one of my best friends and room mate who sounds like his brains have been addled?” Sirius’ heart was beating a mile a minute. Boyfriend? Who had said anything about boyfriends?

“Oh. I just assumed. Your _best friend and room mate_ is an idiot. But he’s not lying about anything to do with the cause. That much I could tell. You were right to ask me to come Potter, but best not be telling him,” he jerked his head towards the closed door, “that we’ve talked about him like this at all.” James nodded. Sirius didn’t speak at all. He hadn’t wanted to bring Mad Eye into this, he had known Remus wasn’t hiding anything like that.

“While you’re here Mad Eye, have you heard anything else about Regulus?” Mad Eye shook his head.

“Sorry, Sirius. Nothing yet. The more I ask, the less it seems anyone is sure of. But I’m still stuck on my original theory – Voldemort seems to have gotten to him himself. Everything’s pointing to it.”

“Yeah, figures. Well thanks, for asking more.” Mad Eye shrugged.

“It’s fine. I’d be doing it anyway. Go talk to Remus. I better be off.” With that, Mad Eye headed to the exit. The nurse at the desk looked so horrified, Sirius was sure Mad Eye’s infamous eye was following her the whole way out.

James gave Sirius a sideways look. “Boyfriend?”

“Don’t you start with me.”

“I’m just saying, if you tell him…”

“Then things will be awful and never recover and I’ll have to afford a flat alone in muggle London. I know you’re a sucker for matchmaking, but I promise you this one is never going to work.”

James looked defiant, but like he was reigning himself in. Sirius knew that James had a lot of thoughts on the subject of him and Remus, mostly revolving around who would pick James as best man first. Typical, he was always thinking of himself.

“Lily told you to drop it didn’t she?”

“Why else would I not be talking about how appropriate my nickname is for someone planning a stag do?”

“Give it a rest.”

“But – “ Sirius stood before James could get more words out. He gave James a typical Black _I’m not talking about this because it isn’t on my terms_ look and walked up to the door.

“Give me five minutes before you come in?” James nodded, and with that Sirius re-entered the almost empty ward to find Remus asleep, not looking like an idiot at all.


	6. If You See Me In The Darkness, I Hope You Know I'm Not Alone

This time when Remus woke, he thought he was back home. The room was cooler than before, and he’d been woken by a strangled cry beside him. Only when he attempted to roll over did he realise that he was still in a hospital bed. He was fully woken by almost falling out of the bed onto Sirius, who was asleep in a particularly uncomfortable looking chair.

Sirius’ brow was furrowed so deeply it looked etched into his skin. His knuckles were white from clenching his fists and his breathing was fast. Slowly, not wanting to alarm him, Remus heaved himself from the bed. His ribs were a little more painful when he was moving, but nothing that he couldn’t handle. He knelt next to Sirius and slowly began to unclench his fists.

“Sirius, you’re not there. You’re with me in the hospital. Don’t worry, I’m the idiot that got himself here not you. It’s okay. You’re with me.” Sirius’ fists slowly unclenched. His breathing got deeper, without slowing down. Remus realised his whole body was shaking, barely noticeable.

“We’re in a VIP ward at St. Mungo’s. You visited me earlier and fell asleep. Clearly the nurses knew not to wake you, which shows they’re a good judge of character.” His breathing began to slow. This was how Remus usually dealt with Sirius’ nightmares. Stop him harming himself, which he usually tried to do, and talk to him until he fell into a deeper sleep. Remus sighed to himself. Sirius’ fists had slowly unclenched, and he now held his friend’s hands loosely in his own. He rubbed his thumbs over Sirius’ knuckles, as if to erase the pressure that was no longer there.

“You’re so tense.” Remus whispered, unconsciously pulling Sirius’ hands more comfortably into his own. Sirius shifted in his seat.

“You shouldn’t end up in hospital then,” Sirius whispered, eyes still closed, “then I’d have nothing to be tense about.” Remus dropped Sirius’ hands like they were burning him. Sirius jumped in his seat, eyes snapping open.

“Sorry, sorry,” Remus could feel himself going red. He tried to pull himself up, “you gave me a shock. I was just…” but he didn’t know what to say. _Sorry Sirius, I just like holding your hands_? He didn’t think that would come off particularly well. They were silent instead as Remus pulled himself back onto the bed. Sirius watched him all the while.

“I was having a nightmare again?” Remus nodded in reply, although it was clear he’d only asked to break the silence. Sirius was still shaking, more so now that he’d woken up.

“How’re you feeling?”

“Do you remember it?”

They’d spoken at the same time. Remus hated this awkwardness. It was all because of his stupid interview.

“I’m fine,” Remus replied, a couple of seconds out of normal, “I’ll be surprised if I’m not heading home with you tomorrow.” Sirius nodded.

“Good, I’m glad. Although I’m not surprised, those nurses would have had you out of here yesterday if they could have justified it.”

“Well, they’re just being cautious.”

“ _Cautious?_ ”

“Sirius, I’m a werewolf, and in case you’ve forgotten it’s not exactly appreciated outside of our social circle.”

“If I’ve forgotten? How could I forget!” Sirius pulled himself out of the chair and began pacing next to Remus’ bed, “you’re in fucking hospital, you still have one huge black eye because they can’t risk using magic on it before your eye socket is healed. Christ, you won’t even tell me who the lowlifes are that did this.” Sirius looked like he wasn’t even paying attention to Remus. He was just being angry in his own bubble. But once he looked at Remus again the anger seeped out of him. He sat on the edge of the bed, not making eye contact.

“I do trust you. You think… you think I don’t because I didn’t tell you where I was and I still won’t tell you. No, I won’t tell you,” Sirius had given him a look of contempt at that, “look. I’m ashamed of where I was. Of the kind of people I was having to try and get work from. And I honestly don’t want to tell you or anyone else about it, okay?”

Sirius’s facial expression was unrecognisable. He didn’t seem angry, but he wasn’t happy either. He kept eye contact for a few more seconds than was comfortable, then nodded. Remus leaned back into his pillows, inwardly sighing in relief. Finally, an end to the awkward questions.

“Did you tell Mad Eye I was your boyfriend?” It took all of Remus’ energy not to sit bolt upright. Sirius had said it so fast he wasn’t sure if he’d heard it right.

“Boyfriend?”

“Yeah. Well,” he felt Sirius shift uncomfortably, “he said when he came out, ‘your boyfriend is an idiot’.”

_Boyfriend?_

“And… what did you say to that?”

“That you weren’t. My boyfriend I mean.” _Obviously_. Remus felt a flush of embarrassment running through his whole body. _As if he’d have any other reaction._

“No, I didn’t say that. Or anything about, anything. I didn’t say… anything.” Mentally applauding his own eloquence, Remus rubbed his face with his hand as if he was tired and that was the reason he wasn’t speaking like an actual human being. They sat like that for what felt like a while, not looking at each other and not saying much. Remus almost thought it was safe to change the subject, but:

“And there wasn’t anything to say, was there?” _Fuck, does he know?_

“What do you mean?” Remus swallowed, thinking the only thing worse than this conversation would be his voice cracking in the middle of it.

“Fuck’s sake, I don’t know, Moony. Look, forget I mentioned it alright?” Sirius moved to get off the bed, and without thinking, Remus reached for his hand. Sirius froze as if someone had snuck in and embolised him. After an eternity, he sat back down but didn’t look at Remus or their hands.

 _Well fuck, this is a pretty awful reaction_ , Remus thought, _I bet I could use this awkward silence to invent a spell which would physically let the ground swallow me whole._

“We’re both tired,” Sirius said, his voice sounding horse, “you should get some sleep.”

Remus knew he should pull his hand away. That was a clear dismissal if ever he heard one, the old ‘not thinking straight’ excuse. But he didn’t. Instead, he shifted so he was lying on his side, facing the way Sirius was sitting. He left his hand on top of Sirius’ and closed his eyes. _Screw it, he can pretend I have a concussion in the morning if he wants to. If this is the only moment I get, I’m taking it._

And with that, Remus let himself begin to fall asleep. His dream began with Sirius’ fingers purposefully closing over his own. God, it felt so real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Sorry about the ending, I love a good bit of angst. I had a great time writing this - it was only meant to be six chapters but I've left it at a place with the potential to continue. If a few people are interested in me writing more, please do comment! 
> 
> (Alternatively, please do rec any fics in the comments that will fill my adult marauders fantasies <3)

**Author's Note:**

> "I woke up thinking you were still here, my hands shaking with regret.  
> I've held this dream for such a long long time, and I wanna get up -  
> To the rhythm of a wild, to the rhythm of a wild heart,  
> That beats, that beats like a rolling drum.
> 
> I saw you standing on the corner, I saw you standing on your own  
> And I get the feeling that it's, it's all a dream,  
> And I wanna get up.  
> To the rhythm of a wild, to the rhythm of a wild heart,  
> That beats, that beats like a drum"


End file.
